Let’s skip the predictable advice about gratitude this season. You’ve heard it before (likely since elementary school), and while it's not any less valuable, it’s not where this conversation is going. Instead, as the holidays approach, I find myself reflecting on the meaning we make about others' intentions.
The holiday season often magnifies life’s challenges. For some, it’s the anticipation of family debates over politics; for others, the sting of loneliness or the stress of strained finances. Holidays can feel less like a Hallmark movie and more like an endurance test.
This week, both personally and with clients, I’ve been thinking about the assumptions we make under stress. Ever catch yourself spiraling into thoughts like, Why are they so awful? Do they not like me? Did I mess up? Do they not care? If so, you’re not alone. Our brains are naturally meaning-makers, but while they’re great at spotting patterns, they’re not always stellar at interpreting intentions.
The Brain’s Faulty Wiring
Research suggests that loneliness can skew how we interpret social cues. For instance, lonely individuals are more likely to perceive neutral behaviors—like someone not responding to a text—as rejection, even when there’s no such intent. A 2020 study found that chronic loneliness often correlates with heightened sensitivity to perceived social threats. This isn’t your brain being cruel; it’s trying to protect you, albeit imperfectly.
And then there’s the negativity bias—our brain’s tendency to focus on the worst-case scenario. It’s evolutionary, sure, but not exactly helpful when your cousin's silence at dinner sends you spiraling into “Did I say something wrong?”
Expanding the Space Between Trigger and Response
So, what happens if we pause and ask ourselves: Am I leaning toward the least considerate interpretation or the most?
This doesn’t require a complete mental reboot, nor deviating from your plans to clean the house before guests arrive, just a moment to reflect. Viktor Frankl famously wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” When we’re stressed, that space often shrinks to the size of a postage stamp. Expanding it—even slightly—can shift the narrative.
Examples of Reframing Intentions
Least considerate interpretation: The guy who cut me off on the highway is an inconsiderate jerk who doesn’t care about anyone else.
More considerate interpretation: That guy must be having a rough day. Maybe he’s rushing to an appointment, or maybe he forgot the Cool Whip his wife asked for. Been there.
Least considerate interpretation: My partner gets so bossy during the holidays. They just want to control everything.
More considerate interpretation: The holidays mean a lot to my partner. They’re trying to create a welcoming space for everyone, which adds to their stress on top of an already full plate.
Least considerate interpretation: That person at the mall snapped at me after I accidentally bumped into them. What a miserable grump.
More considerate interpretation: They seemed really triggered. Maybe they’re dealing with loneliness, holiday stress, or even old trauma. Their reaction probably wasn’t about me.
The Value of the Pause
Reframing isn’t about lying to yourself; it’s about allowing for realistic, compassionate alternatives. Without that pause, we default to snap judgments. By asking, Where am I on the scale of least to most considerate interpretation? we can shift from assumptions to understanding.
So as the holiday season unfolds, consider this your invitation to take a breath. Not to gloss over difficulties, but to create space for kindness—toward yourself and others. Because let’s face it, we all need a little extra grace this time of year.
Warmly,
Andrea Battiola, Founder Peak Couples & Sex Therapy