Imagine this… It’s Sunday night, and you’re buried deep in the couch. The all-too-familiar feeling is starting to kick in: your chest tightens, your core clenches, the mental inventory starts to tally, and that deep-seated thought of, “Ugh, I wish I had more time…” sets in. You know the feeling all too well. It’s the weight that accompanies your life’s responsibilities and the many hats you wear. Somehow, whether it’s work, family, hobbies, your relationship, your friendships, or the weight of the world, the responsibilities and lists never seem to get any shorter.
You already know that you’re not alone here. You already know the self-care you’re “supposed” to be doing. And you (hopefully) already know that you really don’t have to do it all. And yet here we are — another week of the same feeling. This is, shall we say, the epidemic of overwhelm, stress, and lack of time. Anne Helen Peterson puts it well: “Burnout isn’t doing too much; it’s the endlessness of never feeling like you’re doing enough.”
Now, I’m curious… How sexy is that to you? Everything I just laid out here — all those feelings, thoughts, and sensations. Is that turning you on much?
Hmm. Right. I didn’t think so. And why would it? Why would your body even allow you to be desirous when you’re putting every effort into keeping the weight of the world from crashing and shattering all around you? Why would your body and mind put you in such a precarious position?
The answer is simple: it wouldn’t. Your body and your mind won’t allow you to be in the midst of anxiety, overwhelm, stress, and management while simultaneously being turned on, lustful, thirsty, and desirous (save for a select few who do find they can — we’re all different, after all).
Your body is in protection mode, and let’s face it — no matter how much we might wish otherwise, desire cannot thrive where vigilance lives.
So, my question to you is: what happens to your desire when you’re in a consistent state of overwhelm? Does it get forgotten in the back of your mind like that spice blend you had to have that’s now sat, unused, for an entire year in the back of the cupboard? Do you have tools you use to regularly reconnect with your desire — tried-and-true tactics that help you come back? Or maybe you wait until desire finds you — whether because someone or something enticed you, or because magic struck? What would it look like if tending to your desire felt like exhaling instead of performing?
There’s no right answer here — I mean it. As a sex therapist, you might think I’d be inclined to nudge you in one direction, telling you, “Yes! You must fight for desire! Now, here’s a bunch of tools for you to feel desire once again…” And while, yes, there are many ways we can learn to reconnect with desire, I want you to choose that path for you, at the right time.
So, if upon reflection you feel like, “No, I just can’t do that right now. I can’t think about this right now.” Great. Got it. Good. That’s okay. This email can stay in your inbox (or maybe tucked away in a special folder) for you to revisit anytime.
However, if you do want to allow more space for your desire, then let’s do it — together.
Remember that mental inventory I mentioned earlier? That ever-evolving, never-ending tally in your mind full of details, tasks, and reminders to carry into the week. Does desire fall onto that list? Actually, the more important question is: if it does fall onto your mental (or physical) to-do list, how does it?
Let’s talk about the helpful — and not-so-helpful — ways this can happen.
The Not-So-Helpful Desire To-Do List
- There’s a small window of time that you try to jam in sex with little to no flexibility on timing (e.g., a calendar invite from 9–9:30 a.m. on Saturday morning).
- You assume sex will happen after a evening date with a lot of food and drinks.
- There’s a big gap between sex and what was happening beforehand (e.g., 45 minutes of putting your toddler to bed, then sex).
- You unenthusiastically, apprehensively — dare I say, dreadfully — look forward to the experience.
The Helpful Desire To-Do List
- You safeguard windows of time to be present, sensual, flirtatious, and connected to your partner.
- You’re mindful of the barriers to sex (e.g., hello, dinnertime overindulgence… but yum) and you’re thoughtful about tending to them in the lead-up to those safeguarded windows.
- You cultivate excitement, eagerness, and anticipation for what you two could create in this experience.
- You create a bridge between your day-to-day life and your erotic, desirous world.
See what I mean? There’s a way to approach reconnecting with your desire in an overwhelmed world that feels like — well — just another annoying and exhausting to-do list item. And then there’s a way to do so that centers your relationship with yourself. That provides you flexibility. That offers a moment’s reprieve from the weight, tension, and mental load. That makes desire a part of self-care and a balm for the stressors of life.
These lists aren’t exhaustive — they’re just a start. An amuse-bouche, if you will. I invite you to explore for yourself: how does your own approach to bringing desire into an overwhelmed world serve you, and what about it just isn’t working? Get creative here. Work with your partner — you are sexy teammates, after all.
You’ve got this. Your desire hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just quiet — sitting in the background, ready for you when you’re ready for it.
What I’ve learned throughout my time working with clients is that the biggest shifts come in conversation. When we get to say “YES! Me, too!” So, let’s keep talking. Reply (no, seriously) and let me know how this landed or what questions this brought up for you.
I’ll see you back here next week, where I’ll be responding to your questions. These are the kinds of conversations we sit with often inside Peak EDU — not to fix desire, but to cultivate it.
Until next time,
Andrea
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