Ask Andrea: I don’t have time for this. What should we do?

Reader’s Question

We just don’t have time for any of this. What would you suggest for a couple who feels so exhausted that they no longer have time for each other?

Andrea’s Answer

Well, let me first say — I get it. I hear it all the time:

“I woke up at 4:30 to a screaming baby who wouldn’t go back to sleep.”
“I have to stay up working until midnight every night this week.”
“I have a monster list of things to get done before people come over for the holidays.”
“I’m just so tired — any ‘extra’ moments, I just want to lay down and scroll on my phone.”
“I don’t have time for myself, let alone my partner.”

And often, it’s one person saying all five of those things.

Life is busy. Unfortunately, what our society has deemed “success” often looks like running around and doing it all. We’ve been told for years that we can have it all. And while that message might be well-meaning, it puts enormous strain on people to keep producing — at work, with kids, family, friends, chores, partners, and so on.

There’s such high value placed on being busy in our culture, so no wonder it feels like there’s no time — no time for yourself, no time for each other.
I hear it. I see it. I understand it.

But I also want to challenge it.

I want to challenge the idea that we don’t have time. Because, most often, we do make time for the things we value, prioritize, or feel obligated to — the things we’re “supposed” to do.

So, I’d like to invite you to reflect:

1. Write an almost exhaustive list of the things that keep you busy — the tasks, obligations, and responsibilities that take up your time, energy, and mental space. Let it be a brain dump, no organization needed. As Marie Forleo might say, let’s create some mental white space.
2. Once you’ve got that list, sort each item into two categories:
   ​(1) The things I value and prioritize
   (2) The things I feel obligated or “supposed” to do
3. Look at your list. What story is being told here? Does this structure of life align with your values? What surprises you? What pleases you?
4. Now for the challenge: What’s not serving you? Can you find one, two, or a few items from the “obligated” list that you could take off your shoulders? What holds you back from doing that? What are you afraid might happen if you let them go?
5. Act: Of the 1–3 things you feel you could remove, take them off your list this week. Purposely don’t do them — and see what happens. Notice how it makes you feel (maybe a little uncomfortable at first). After the week, check in: Could you continue? Are there others you’d like to let go of?

Now, one more challenge. . .

So often, clients tell me one of the biggest barriers to the sex life or relationship they crave is “no time.” But after we dig deeper, it’s rarely the true cause. More often, the “lack of time” is a symptom, a mask for something else. It’s not really about time; it’s about priorities. The “no time” story often protects us from discomfort, from change, from effort, from vulnerability.

This month’s theme is all about Love as a Practice.

A practice can be brief — a fleeting moment — but never insignificant. Practice is perseverance. It’s the commitment to come back, again and again, to the act of love.

As I wrote last week, filling a reservoir of love creates safety — a soft place to land in hard times. That reservoir can be filled with a gush of love (a romantic staycation) or with a single drop (an extra-long hug and kiss on the neck after a long day).

That latter one? It took 10 seconds. And nothing on your to-do list needed to be done in those 10 seconds.

So, Reader, I know it feels like there’s no time and everything is exhausting — and, you know what, it really is. While that may be true, you do have options. You can challenge yourself to look honestly at what fills your time, energy, and mental space and make small changes for what no longer serves you. And you can accept that your commitment to love doesn’t have to come through grand, time-intensive gestures. It lives in the small moments in between — the moments that add up to a full, nourishing reservoir of love.

Hey, I know you can do this. You’ve done hard things before. This is fine-tuning, not a total overhaul. Keep it manageable. Keep it actionable. Celebrate your wins — especially with your partner.

You and your love deserve the space to feel deeply held in love.

Make it happen.

With Care,

Andrea