This Week’s Question:
Andrea, it’s been a really long year and I feel like I’ve lost all connection with my sense of pleasure. I’m hopeful that things will be easier for me next year. Where do I start with reconnecting to my sense of pleasure in the new year?
Part of what I love about this question is the assumption behind it—that when you lose connection to a part of yourself, in this case pleasure, you can get it back.
And that is absolutely the right assumption to make.
If you want to, you can reconnect with a part of yourself that has gone dormant.
I also appreciate this question because I think you’re in the majority. 2025 was a hard year for a lot of people. If I were to list all the reasons why that’s true for many of you, we’d be about three pages into this writing and still not at the heart of the question. So let me simply say this: you’re not alone. The last year, or few years, have been hard.
It’s fair, reasonable, and expected that when you’re living with uncertainty, stress, and overwhelm, your connection to pleasure takes a hit. There are bigger fish to fry, after all.
While pleasure can be a beautiful reprieve in the midst of chaos, it’s also genuinely difficult to access when our minds won’t slow down. Beyond that, our bodies may be living in a near-constant state of stress, with nervous systems primed to react. That doesn’t leave much room for ease—and ease is often a prerequisite for pleasure.
Here’s the good news: you’re not stuck here forever.
You seem ready to reconnect with pleasure—whether that’s because some stressors have eased, or because you’re no longer willing to let those stressors run the show. Either way, I’m excited for what’s opening up for you.
Below are six steps to help you begin reconnecting with your sense of pleasure. This isn’t something that happens overnight. Most things worth cultivating take time. As you move through this process, do your best to offer yourself compassion, curiosity, and grace.
1. Reflect on what contributed to the disconnect.
Look for themes. Approach this like a detective—objective, curious, and observant—without letting your inner critic hijack the process.
Why? Because we need to understand where we were in order to know where we’re going.
2. Separate what you can control from what you can’t.
Some of what made last year challenging was within your control; some of it wasn’t. Get clear on which is which.
Why? Because you can choose how to steer your boat, but you can’t choose the winds and currents you’re up against.
3. Clarify what you want moving forward.
Of the areas you do have influence over, how do you want them to feel next year? Try building a fantasy—not in a rigid way, but as a felt sense of what you’re moving toward.
Why? Because having a clear vision of what we’re trying to create gives us a sense of direction.
4. Reconnect with your senses—outside the bedroom, too.
This isn’t just about sex. Over a glass of wine, a great meal, a walk through the arboretum, sitting beside a frozen lake—notice what you see, feel, taste, smell, and hear.
Why? Because pleasure is a full body experience, and is rooted in our ability to sense that which may be pleasurable.
5. Slow down. Intentionally.
Both in the bedroom and throughout your day. Choose a few moments—washing your hair, reading, walking, eating breakfast—and let yourself move more slowly.
Why? Because pleasure requires noticing, and noticing takes time.
6. Remember: your pleasure is your responsibility.
Not your partner’s. As you reconnect with yourself, you’ll also need to communicate. What’s working now? What needs updating? What’s on the menu—and what’s off for the moment?
Why? Because you are the expert on your own experience, and your ability to share that is key to sustaining pleasure and connection.
7. Lastly, find a spark.
If we’re talking specifically about sexual pleasure, it can be helpful to intentionally revisit what has turned you on in the past. That might look like finding content with a a familiar character archetype (hello, Heathcliff or the alluring siren): reading a steamy novel, listening to an erotic story, engaging in role play with your partner, or even writing your own sexy fantasy. Follow what lights something up inside you—gently and without pressure.
Why? Because starting with what you know has worked before is like giving your pleasure a jumpstart—enough momentum to carry itself forward.
So, there you have it. Some options to help you start moving forward. Reconnecting with pleasure doesn’t require a dramatic overhaul or a perfectly executed plan. More often, it begins with a small act of noticing. A moment of curiosity. A willingness to listen to yourself again.
Let this be your reminder that pleasure isn’t something you’ve lost—it’s something that’s been waiting for a bit more space, safety, and attention. And when you move toward it slowly, on your own terms, it tends to meet you there.
If you feel moved, I’d love to hear from you.
When did you feel most alive this past year? Or where do you sense pleasure wanting to re-enter your life right now?
You’re always welcome to reply to this email—I read every message, and many of them shape future Ask Andrea reflections.
With warmth,
Andrea
Founder of Peak EDU | Peak Couples & Sex Therapy
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