This Week’s Question:
Every year my wife becomes very high strung around the holidays. She wants everything to be perfect – the gifts, the parties, the connections with family and friends, the decorations, the activities. She wants our experience to be very curated and polished. While I understand that it would be nice for things to be picturesque, it often ends up causing unnecessary stress for her, me and our family. I want her to enjoy the holidays but I’m worried about all the extra anxiety and strain put on everyone else, myself included. What should I do?
Andrea’s Answer:
It’s December 22nd and Christmas Eve is quickly approaching. The night where the whole family, and a few friends, descend upon your home. You’ve been preparing for this moment your whole life . . . or rather, what feels like your whole life. You’ve done the grocery shopping, you’ve shoveled the driveway, you’ve hemmed and hawed over the dinner menu and activities, you’ve strategized over how to deal with that cousin’s absurdities, you’ve cleaned out the coat closet (finally), and you’ve looked forward to seeing all the little kids running around having the time of their lives. The big day hasn’t even happened yet, and you’re. . . tired.
Now, in the midst of all of these preparations, your wife is anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed. I’m reading between the lines in your question that you understand and appreciate that she wants this to be a great experience for everyone, therefore she isn’t intending to be making the experience harder for everyone, but the way she goes about it is a bit, shall we say, much. You’re hoping that this year things can look a little different with lovely holiday experiences, but with less pain along the way.
So, let’s dive into some ideas to consider, reflect on, and take action on to smooth out some of those rough edges.
Plan ahead
It sounds like you know this is coming and you know how it’s going to feel for her, for you, and for everyone else. Is it possible (preferably, asap, it’s already December 10th) to take her out on a date to talk about exactly what you both expect during this time. Allow your approach to be collaborative, doing the planning with her in order to take some of the stress off her plate.
I imagine what spills out to you and everyone else is a reflection of just how overwhelmed she feels doing so much herself, like the pot is just boiling over. This also gives you more opportunity to manage expectations about what can and cannot be accomplished.
Be honest and kind
She deserves to know how you’re feeling about the holidays. You deserve to be heard about how you’re feeling, too. You are a partnership, after all, and both of your needs matter. Can you share with her what you need during this time, how and when she can best ask for help, and what boundaries you have? It’s very important that during this conversation you do not dismiss her needs. Instead, after being kindly honest, collaborate with her to have some of your needs met and some of her needs met.
Where is there room for her to let go of some of the stuff that doesn’t have the most emotional impact? What do you crave during this time of year that’s been overshadowed because of stress? Can the two of you meet in the middle when you disagree on what needs doing?
The big thing to remember here is to strike while the iron is COLD. Best not to do so in anger during a fight, but rather get ahead of the fight by being honest.
Remember the intention behind the stress
In the date that I referenced earlier, it may be a good idea to start laying a foundation for the notion that behind all the tasks, stressors, and plans, there is a real craving for a specific feeling around the holidays. Is it a feeling that she is trying to create or avoid? Is she trying to avoid the wrath of someone else (hello, over-bearing mother-in-laws)? Is she trying to create a feeling for her kids that she never had, or a feeling she remembers fondly? What is behind the stress?
And for you, what are the feelings you want to create around the holidays? What is most important to you? Get to a more emotional, meaningful root. That root can help you two determine what level of importance each item has.
It could even be helpful to scale it. On a scale of 1-10 what level of emotional importance does each thing have on the to-do list. The high level items get focused and dedicated attention. The low level stuff can happen if there’s time, or drop off altogether.
Your definition of being helpful may not be the same as hers
This one I see a lot with couples. If you’re unsure if you’re being helpful, simply ask. “Guests are going to be here in a few days and we’re going to get more and more busy. How can I be most helpful?” Or “Hey, I wanted to get a couple things done that are important to me before guests arrive. How can I be helpful to you after that?”
Choose your battles
The holidays mean a lot to your wife. She cares deeply about the holiday experience, for herself, you, and everyone else. She is burdened by the mental load that comes with all the holiday cheer, the tasks and the emotional responsibility of making magic for so many. This is no easy feat. Further, this labor, (i.e. making magic, relational connections, upholding traditions, planning, and shopping) often disproportionately falls to women, and that is not your wife’s fault. Get picky with what you decide to push back on versus take on (hopefully, without being a Scrooge about it) in order to support her during this time.
What is your mantra during this time? How do you know when it’s time to pick a battle?
Again, from the tone of your question, you don’t seem upset at her for how she’s treating you or behaving during the holidays – my response would look a bit different if that were the case. At the same time, the way the holidays have been approached in the past hasn’t created the experience that you (or her) really want. You seem to feel lost in the swirl of the tornado that hits around this time of year, and want to feel a bit more peace and ease along with all that cheer.
With some proper planning, managing expectations, a better understanding of what’s going on behind the scenes, and clear, yet kind, boundary setting, I think there’s room for improvement this year.
Remember, you’re on the same team. You have much more you agree on here than what you disagree on. Highlight that fact with her, and lean into the shared meaning and intentions you have this holiday season.
With care,
Andrea
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