This Week’s Question
“Andrea, over the last couple of years, I’ve felt my desire ebb more and more, with minimal to no flow. I don’t feel like anything is necessarily wrong with my relationship (we’ve been together for 8 years, married for 5). We fight as much as I think any couple would, but overall we’re loving and caring. We cuddle often, hug, and kiss each other goodbye every day, and we’re typically pretty happy together. It’s just sex.
I feel like my desire has been on a steady decline over the last two years. I will say, though, when we have sex, I like it and it feels good. I’m generally pretty satisfied when we’re done. So, I just don’t get it—and I don’t know what I should do. What happened to my desire and how do I get it back?”
Andrea’s Thoughts
Oof, a tale as old as time. Thank you for reaching out and sharing this. I can’t tell you how often this happens—how many people come to me feeling exactly the same way. There’s no immediate crisis happening, but there’s a slow, gradual downhill ride you’re on, and you’re not sure how to find your way up again.
That feeling is tough. It often makes it hard to take action because there’s no obvious crisis. We tell ourselves there’s always tomorrow to “fix” things or do something about it. We think, “Well, I guess this is fine enough. Nothing bad is happening, so I guess it’s okay.”
But the fact that you’re reaching out tells me you no longer feel okay. A couple of years in, you’re over the gradual decline. You’re stuck trying to understand what you’re experiencing and what to do about it. So, let’s talk about it.
First, know this:
It is completely normal and to be expected that your desire will ebb and flow over the course of your life.
People often talk about their “sex drive,” when in reality, our sexual desire is not a drive. A drive is something required for survival—like eating, breathing, and water intake. Sexual desire isn’t required for survival. So, like most things in life that aren’t essential for survival, there are times when it’s front and center, and times when it sits quietly in the background.
We’ve been taught to believe that if our sexual desire ebbs, we’re on a one-way track to relational ruin. Well, that’s just not right—and, frankly, a little dramatic.
There’s no single reason why we experience these ebbs. It could be stress, relational tension, hormonal changes, shifting priorities, unremarkable sex, the impact of medications, the erotic/attachment paradox made famous by Esther Perel, and many other factors. So, this is not a one size fits all answer.
A few things to consider:
1. Communication About Sex
Are you and your partner talking about your decreased desire? Are you sharing openly and collaboratively? Have either of you identified and discussed barriers that might be standing in the way of more frequent or fulfilling sex? If your answer is no, I want to encourage you to start here.
2. Desire Can Be Responsive
This is a big one. Do you expect desire to happen to you, or do you create it?
Oftentimes, when people are young (think early 20s) and in new relationships, they experience desire spontaneously—it just hits them, easily and frequently. But for many others, desire is responsive; it grows because they’ve created an experience that’s worth desiring. They got themselves turned on first. They created a sexy space—mentally, physically, and/or relationally.
This kind of desire gives you agency. It’s healthy, normal, and deeply human.
3. The Role of Sex in This Season
What are you hoping sex will feel like right now? What role do you want it to play in your life in this particular season?
Is your life set up to accommodate that vision? What’s motivating you to have sex right now—and how sexy or appealing do those motivations actually feel?
4. Reflect on Your Barriers
Like I said, there are many possible reasons why desire decreases. If we assume for a moment that this isn’t simply a matter of responsive vs. spontaneous desire, let’s explore what could be happening.
Reflect on whether any of these resonate:
- High stress — our biggest barrier to sexual desire
- A highly routinized life
- Overwhelm with daily responsibilities
- Lack of prioritization
- Effects of drugs or alcohol
- Effects of medication
- Paradox of attached love and erotic desire
- Relational distress
- Unremarkable sex (sex not worth desiring)
- Hormonal changes
- Pelvic pain or other sexual dysfunction
- Attachment issues
- Trauma history
- Longstanding, unhealthy expectations or messages about sex
A Moment to Reflect
What are your expectations of what sex and sexual desire should be like? How do those “shoulds” create barriers to enjoyable sex—however you define enjoyable sex?
Again, I appreciate your question. You’re the one who wrote it, but you’re far from the only one who’s asking it.
Remember: you’re not broken. Your desire is still there within you. It’s quiet right now, yes—but it’s still there. Tune in and listen to its hushed voice. Perhaps its quiet volume is protecting you from further stress. Perhaps it’s asking you for something new. Or perhaps it’s simply telling you it needs more support. Whatever it is, it’s there.
This is a season—one of many. And like the changing color of the leaves outside, it will come and go.
With care,
Andrea
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