This month’s theme is Pleasure in Presence.
So often, clients (and friends) will describe a sexual experience in detail—until I gently ask what moved them to do what they did. That’s where they get stuck. A long pause. A blank look. Uncertainty.
I’ll ask them—what made you get into that position?
What inspired you to wear that lingerie?
What drove you to yell with pleasure to show you orgasmed when you really didn’t?
My prompting, an attempt to uncover a hidden truth, is done gently and without judgment. And what stands out to me is this: even though they know this is a safe space to explore, there’s often an unseen barrier between the sexual experience itself and what actually drove their choices.
Was it pure pleasure?
Instinct?
Curiosity?
A desire to satisfy their partner?
A sense that they were supposed to?
Were they performing—acting out sex rather than inhabiting it?
Or was it some complicated combination of all of the above?
And to be clear—we’re not looking for a right or wrong answer here. We’re simply exploring in order to find what feels best to them.
It’s fair to say that we’ve all been influenced by the media we consume, including movies, books, magazines, music and porn. This is true sexually, too. Sometimes the result of that influence is getting stuck in scripts we act out as performance because it’s what we know, it’s what we’ve seen.
Like we’re the lead in a Broadway show—on stage six nights a week, for months on end. We wear the performance with confidence. It looks convincing. But it isn’t us. Not really. It’s the idea of who we’re supposed to be, or who we’re meant to become, when we’re between the sheets.
So, take a moment with me and consider:
- Have you ever really paused to ask whether the way you show up sexually actually works for you—your needs, your desires, your wants?
- Or are you performing in the way you think you’re supposed to, shaped by years of modeling and mimicking what you saw elsewhere?
- Are you following an old script—written not only by media, but perhaps by the wants and desires of a former partner?
Now consider:
- Are there experiences or curiosities you’ve had that you’d like to explore, but feel held back from?
- Have there been sexual experiences where you felt deeply connected to yourself and genuinely focused on your own pleasure?
- What do you want to feel sexually? Because it’s not just about what you do.
Sexual scripts that lead to performance rarely create the most satisfying—or sustainable—sex lives. They can start to feel like going to work. Like checking something off a to-do list.
Pleasure.
Interest.
Curiosity.
Those are the drivers that tend to create more engaging, honest, and enlivening sexual experiences. So instead of imagining a tightly scripted Broadway show, think improv.
Improv as instruments finding one another during a jazz set.
Improv in your favorite comedy sketch.
Improv in the playful, unscripted banter you share with your partner on an ordinary day.
This is your sweet spot sexually, too. It’s about following the thread of pleasure, interest, and curiosity as it unfolds in the moment.
And because it’s the first week of January, I feel mildly obligated to offer a New Year’s intention (insert a knowing eye-roll from me). This year, in your sex life, can you begin to notice what genuinely creates pleasure, interest, and curiosity for you? Can you loosen your grip on the sexual performances of yesteryear—even the ones that might’ve earned you an Oscar?
I’ve seen it time and time again: when you give yourself permission to follow the unscripted, improvised path of pleasure, curiosity, and interest, you’re far more likely to create a sex life rooted in joy, purpose, and playfulness.
When sex stops being something you do and becomes something you listen to, it often gets a lot more interesting—and a lot more yours.
With care,
Andrea Battiola
Founder Peak EDU | Peak Couples & Sex Therapy
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