If you’re like a lot of people, the holidays are a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, they’re full of wonder and magic. You deck your halls, creating a cozy cheerfulness that makes you want to curl up with a mug of hot chocolate (every day, honestly). You see awe and sparkle in the kids’ eyes. You feel nostalgia creeping in—memories filled with love and glee. You reunite with loved ones who live far away and savor those rare, precious moments of wrapping them in a warm embrace. There’s a spirit of generosity that reminds you how good it feels to build community, care, and support.
But then there’s the other part of that bag. . .
The holidays can be A LOT. Like… a lot, a lot. And if you’re like many couples, this can be a time when you slip more easily into strain, stress, frustration, or even contempt (you know, the eye rolls and scoffs). Just think about how much pressure and responsibility pile on this time of year:
- Differing opinions about how, when, and with whom you spend the holidays
- Financial stress from rising prices and rising expectations
- Managing all the holiday parties, gifts, schedules, and plans
- Travel chaos—flight delays, cancellations, icy roads
- The excruciatingly annoying extended family you simply cannot avoid
- Work stress that culminates at the end of the year (hello, performance reviews)
- And the countless other potholes you somehow have to dodge
It’s no wonder it’s hard to show up as your most thoughtful, generous, grateful self right now. And even less surprising that extending that version of yourself to your partner can feel… challenging.
But maybe this year, we can make a little relationship magic happen.
Because what is all of this for if we’re miserable throughout it? Most Americans are already stressed and lonely—and during the holidays, those feelings tend to intensify. But what if this year could look a little different?
Reflections
Let’s explore where you have agency. Where you can shape the loving, grounded, partnered holiday you’re craving. I encourage both you and your partner to answer the questions below individually, then share your reflections with each other:
- What are the three most important feelings you want to have over the holidays? How do you plan to create them?
- What are the three most important experiences you want to have? What is it about those that feels so important?
- What do you need to let go of? Consider what didn’t show up in the first two answers. What feels like a big deal but really isn’t? What obligations could you release? What simply isn’t worth sacrificing your peace—or your partnership.
- What requests do you have of your partner to collaborate in creating these feelings and experiences? Collaborate is key—they’re not solely responsible, but they can be a supportive teammate.
- Looking ahead at the next month, what potholes do you expect to stumble into?
The hardest part of this exercise might be being honest with yourself about what truly matters, and, most importantly, what doesn’t. Many of the stressors we take on feel important, or like they’ll somehow make the season “better.” But at what cost? We don’t want the holidays to become a performance at the expense of the real magic.
Try This
Once you’ve reflected, you’ll already have a clearer picture of where each of you stands. Now, let’s move into some practical strategies…
Manage Expectations
If you’ve done the reflections, you’re already off to a solid start. But managing expectations—your own and your partner’s—is something to practice liberally this season. Each week, talk about what you’re both expecting. Not just your to-do lists or calendar items (though those matter, too), but your feelings, your needs, and any challenges you anticipate.
For example: “Hey, I love seeing your family every year on Christmas Eve, but after dinner I usually crash hard, and I can’t take much more of Aunt Tilda’s nonsense. How should we handle that this year? I can sneak out early, or we can come up with a graceful exit together.”
Drop the Plastic Balls (and be gracious when your partner drops them, too)
This is true year-round, but especially now: you’re juggling a lot of balls. Not all of them are priceless glass heirlooms. Some are just cheap plastic. Let those drop. Protect the heirlooms—the ones that actually reflect your values, connection, and meaning. Everything else can fall without consequence.
Ask for Help
Sometimes it feels easier to just do it yourself. You know what you want, you know how to get it done—but doing everything alone guarantees exhaustion. Who can you ask for help? What can you delegate? What makes asking for help hard? Can you share that vulnerability with your partner?
Steal Moments for Each Other
The holidays are about togetherness, which is both beautiful and overwhelming. So steal your partner away now and then. Slip into a quiet corner, step outside for a breath of fresh air, or lean in close on the couch for a brief moment of peace. A long hug, a whispered thank-you, a shared vent session—these small moments fortify you.
Give Grace
It makes sense that we’re more irritable this time of year. When tensions run high, remember: there’s often something deeper behind your partner’s words.
You hear: “Why are you just sitting there?”
They may mean: “I’m overwhelmed and really need help.”
You hear: “Your family is the worst.”
They may mean: “I don’t feel welcome or wanted, and it hurts.”
You hear: “You never take responsibility for buying gifts.”
They may mean: “This is too much for me to carry alone. Can you share the load?”
This year, try to anticipate the things that may frustrate your partner—and when they can’t communicate perfectly, give them grace.
These reflections and strategies aren’t magic wands, but they are tools. Tools that can help you create the holiday experience you deeply want. Remember what the holidays truly mean to you, and let that be your North Star as you navigate the next month.
You and your partner can craft the experience you’re craving. Truly.
Warmly,
Andrea
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