Like many of you, I work from home. I see clients entirely virtually. Instead of the traditional therapist couch and chair, I now spend most of my days sitting at a desk in an office chair.
One unexpected benefit of this setup is that I have a collection of Post-it notes stuck behind my computer. Some are practical reminders like my EIN number, the coffee shops around the city where I do my best admin work, or random thoughts I don’t want to lose. Others are reminders of ideas and interventions that I find myself returning to over and over again with clients.
One of those Post-it notes simply says:
Intentional Not Prescriptive.
After more than a decade of working as a couples and sex therapist, I’ve heard this question more times than I can count:
“How do we improve our sex life without making it feel forced?”
Whether you’re trying to have sex more often, explore new experiences together, or simply reconnect after feeling disconnected, I believe the answer lies in one simple idea: Be intentional, not prescriptive.
I’ve found there’s a surprisingly fine line between intentionality and prescription when it comes to improving your sex life. I see it in therapy sessions all the time. I hear it in conversations with friends. I’ve even caught myself falling into it in my own life. When we’re trying to improve our sex lives, we tend to approach change in one of three ways:
- Passively
- Intentionally
- Prescriptively.
Passivity is waiting for things to evolve on their own, whether happily or otherwise.
Intentionality is purposefully creating conditions that support the change you’re hoping for and regularly investing energy in that direction.
Prescription is following a rigid plan, often with a specific outcome in mind, in an attempt to force change to happen.
This distinction matters because so many of us have bought into what I call “the myth of spontaneity.” We believe that sex should just happen. That if the relationship is healthy enough, if the attraction is strong enough, or if we’re compatible enough, then desire and intimacy will emerge naturally without much effort.
Don’t be mad at me, but in a long-term relationship…that couldn’t be more wrong.
The problem is that this belief can leave us feeling powerless. We forget that most things we value require intention. Friendships require attention. Physical health requires effort. Learning requires practice. Relationships require care. Sex is no different.
At the same time, when people realize passivity isn’t working, they often swing hard in the opposite direction. They become prescriptive. They create rules, schedules, goals, quotas, and measurements. They approach sex the same way they might approach a fitness plan or a work project. While that may sound productive on paper, it often has an unintended consequence. . .
It sucks the life out of eroticism!
The very thing we’re trying to cultivate becomes another task to complete.
Let me give you an example completely unrelated to sex.
One of my husband’s and my favorite chill evenings together involves a perfected gluten-free homemade pizza, a bold red wine, and a movie that’s the perfect blend of action and comedy.
We could approach this experience passively. We could simply wait until it happens. No one plans it. No one initiates it. Maybe one Friday night we’ll suddenly realize we have all the ingredients and enough free time to make it happen. Or maybe we’ll go months without doing it at all. We just wait and see.
More often, though, we approach it intentionally. We’ll look at our calendars and safeguard an evening together, usually a Friday. We’ll stop by our the bakery to pick up the special pizza crust we like. We’ll wander through the wine aisle debating options. We’ll go over our “Want to Watch” movie list.
In many ways, the anticipation becomes part of the experience. We’re creating conditions that make the evening more likely to happen, but we’re not rigidly attached to it. If Friday arrives and one of us has had a terrible week, isn’t feeling well, or simply doesn’t want pizza and wine that night, we move it. No one has failed. No one is to blame. The goal was never Friday.
The goal was creating an enjoyable experience together.
Now imagine the same evening approached prescriptively. Pizza, wine, and movie night happens every Friday. No exceptions. It must happen a certain number of times per month. It must be amazing every time. Success is measured solely by whether it happened. Failure is measured by whether it didn’t. Suddenly the experience itself becomes secondary to checking the box. What was once playful and pleasurable starts feeling like an obligation.
Sex works the same way. The healthiest long-term relationships don’t rely on spontaneity alone, nor do they treat intimacy like another task on the calendar. They intentionally create opportunities for connection while leaving room for flexibility, curiosity, and pleasure.
One of the most common examples is when couples have stopped having sex and are trying to find their way back to physical intimacy. In couples therapy I often use a structured exercise called Sensate Focus, a well-established sex therapy technique developed to reduce performance pressure and help partners reconnect through touch.
Interestingly, the exercise itself is rarely the problem. More often, it’s how couples approach it.
Many couples start off passively, waiting for the right mood, the right moment, or for one partner to bring it up. Unsurprisingly, life gets in the way and the exercise never quite happens.
Others swing too far in the opposite direction. Sensate focus gets scheduled for Friday night at 8:00 PM every week no matter what. Success becomes whether the exercise happened, not whether the couple felt connected, playful, or present together. Before long, it starts to feel like homework.
The couples who tend to have the most success land somewhere in the middle. They intentionally safeguard time together, not necessarily for sex, but for connection. They create opportunities for intimacy to emerge while remaining flexible about what happens once they’re there. Sometimes they do the exercise. Sometimes they don’t. The point isn’t completing an assignment. The point is creating an environment where intimacy has a chance to grow.
This is where that Post-it note becomes so important.
So if you’re trying to improve your sex life, I’d leave you with three reminders.
🌟 Build flexibility into your plans. If Friday night doesn’t happen because life gets in the way, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. The goal is protecting time for connection, not rigidly following a schedule.
🌟 Focus on the build-up. Anticipation is part of pleasure. The flirtation, the texting, the looking forward to spending time together—those experiences matter.
🌟 Broaden your definition of success. Success isn’t simply whether sex happened. Success might be feeling more connected, more playful, more affectionate, or more present with one another than you were before.
Intentional Not Prescriptive
Because meaningful improvement rarely comes from forcing an outcome. More often, it comes from creating the conditions where connection and pleasure have room to grow.
With warmth,
Andrea
Frequently Asked Questions
Is scheduling sex bad?
No. Scheduling intimacy can be incredibly helpful. The key is approaching it intentionally rather than rigidly.
What is sensate focus?
Sensate focus is a structured series of touch exercises developed by sex therapists and researchers to help couples reconnect without performance pressure.
How can I improve intimacy in my relationship so it lasts?
Intentional time together, flexibility, anticipation, and curiosity often create more satisfying intimacy than relying solely on spontaneity.
P.S. If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect physically, improve your sex life, or navigate differences in desire, our therapists specialize in helping couples build stronger emotional and sexual intimacy. Meet the Peak Couples & Sex Therapy team.
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